Inheritance Cycle examination/sporking

It shall be done in this thread. I'll start with book one, and make another thread if I ever get that fucking far. Because AE is ubermanly and lazy. So there.


You can learn about this wonderful(?) book series here. TVTropes is your bestest friend. Like, evar.


How this will work:

-Every post will be at least one chapter. Some are hideously short, so I will try to combine these if possible. Chapters will be separated, of course.
-The sporkings will be written in the manner of an (oh noez!!1!) observer sent from a higher plane of existence. He is not allowed to be noticed by any important characters. If he does he gets his license revoked, and AE will OTL forever.

He might lose it, because he will have to cut a bitch eventually.

AE is sooper speshul and generally omniscient. He knows what the characters are/should be thinking, and will act accordingly. Please keep this in mind. Fuck you, he's a-uh... literary god. Yes.



Important characters in Eragon:


Eraygun/Eragawth/Emogon/Gary Stu - The Gary Stu hero of the story.

Sufearuh/Saphira/Fucking Dragon - Eragon's dragon. Fuck you, she's a dragon. Complete pussy.

Roran - Idk, Eragon's cousin or something. Goes to find work in a nearby village full of manly men. Eragon is jealous of his 'hard lean muscles'.

Katrina - Roran's cover.

Brom/Brain - Eragon's cool old guy mentor. Only good fucking character in the book. HA HA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS. HELEN'S AWESOME.

Leaders of the Varden - Terrorists.

Galbatorix - Misunderstood, and a nice guy.

Murtagh/Murgoth - Eragon's straight gay companion who likes to bitch and moan and emo. And cry sum moar.

Helen/Bitch - The only person who knows Eragon is a complete dick.




Well, lets get this over with. Setup:


This utterly unentertaining examination of Child Por-I mean Christopher Paolini’s fantasy series, The Inheritits-I mean Inheritance-trilogy begins with the literary examiner himself, wearing navy-blue boxer briefs and a sweater lying on his poor excuse for a bed. He wonders why in the name of hell he’s not wearing any pants before opening the book.

“One boy. One dragon. A world of adventure.”

Haven’t I read something like this already? Or watched it? Or played a game? The Almighty Examiner scratches an itch on his thigh at this thought and continues reading, still not wearing any pants. AE, as he shall henceforth be known as, continues to read.

Something about a farm boy. Finds a shiny rock. Simple life. Bridget’s theme aside, Eraygun-I mean airuhgone, like the air is uh-gone from my uh-lungs from snorting-must kill Darth Va-I mean some cool guy with the name of Galbatorix.

Because if you put an ‘x’ in somebody’s name, it becomes menacing gay by default. Like so:

Jackson > Jaxon.

AE decides that this is a much cooler spelling of his name, and will head to the courthouse ASAP to change it.

Okay, now something about Dragon Riders or something. Wasn’t that a book by some other author? Weird. AE scratches another itch wondering what this is reminding him of. He looks back at the cover and the passable art. While he is no great artist himself, AE has certainly seen better, but it isn’t terrible. Now, he looks at the summary data entry.

‘In Alagay-er-gaësia, yeah, in Alagaësia, a fifteen-year-old boy of unknown lineage(!) called Eraygun-er, Eragoneby-finds a mysterious stone(!) that weaves his life into an intricate tapestry of destiny, magic, and power, peopled with dragons (FUCK YOU I’M A DRAGON!), elves, and monsters.’

AE strokes his manly beard in a manlier way than humanly possible. Too familiar. He quickly discarded his modern clothing and donned a tunic and loincloth. He would learn what it was himself. Our less-than-noble hero-still not wearing pants-took the standard evaluation kit and activated its camouflage mode as the portal materialized. A dark forest was on the other side.

“Original,” AE remarked, stepping through.