NVR: The Rewrite

Subject: NVR: The Rewrite Fri Aug 26, 2011 8:47 am

Oh lawd.
Original

I wrote:: Hello, fanfiction readers and writers! Upon seeing the atrocity that is NARUTO VEANGANCE REVELAITONS, I decided to take it upon myself to ‘fix’ it. Or, at least, make it less horrifying. My writing skills are obviously not the best, and I have little (if any) knowledge about Naruto and its assorted spellings, but I’d appreciate it if you told me what you think. Enjoy! (Or not)

Chapter 1: A New Power

On the fifth day of my journey, I had finally reached my destination. It was high noon, and the village of Konohagakure was just on the other side of a copse of trees. My weary limbs suddenly regained their vigor as I dashed towards the front gates. The guards eyed me warily, noting my size and strength but not stopping me as I attempted to pass through.

Brushing strands of navy blue hair out of my eyes, I tried to scan the streets for signs of life. A lone girl, clad in red with pink hair, sat on a bench some hundred feet away. I hastily tried to wipe the beads of sweat on my brow to look presentable as I walked over to her.

“Hello?” I asked, looking down at her feet so I wouldn’t look like I was staring.

“Oh, hey!” she smiled, “Can I help you?”

“Well, I think so. Maybe. My name’s Ronan Beelzub. You wouldn’t happen to know where I could sleep for the night, could you?”

The pink-haired girl looked down, seemingly lost in thought before snapping her fingers. “Yeah, the regular guest houses are full now, though, so you can probably stay at the local temple.” She pointed towards a large stone building some distance away. “Do you see it?”

“Thanks,” I mumbled, sticking my hands back into my heavy black cloak and began to walk away before turning back around. “You wouldn’t happen to know where I could get a new pair of shoes would you?” I added, looking at the single forlorn red shoe on my left foot. The girl looked suspiciously at me before noting my headband, etched with a knife insignia.

“Actually,” she said, “why don’t I just show you around?” I thanked her as she began to lead me towards what appeared to be a shopping district. We spent a few minutes looking for a decent pair of shoes. I was about to hand the clerk some money when the girl gently pushed my hand away, paying for them herself instead.

“You didn’t have to do that,” I said, starting to turn red. “I could have paid for them myself.”

She gave me a look. “You don’t look like a rich guy,” she teased as the clerk handed me the footwear. “My name’s Sakura, by the way. I guess it slipped my mind before,” she giggled. “Okay, now we should probably head for the temple. Follow me.”

We’d been walking for barely three minutes when the ground began to shake and the air seemed to grow heavy with something I could only describe as evil. Sakura pushed me into an alley and ordered me to wait there. I began to protest as six other people seemed to appear from nowhere and drew a wide assortment of weapons. Hadn’t I already proved I was more than capable of taking care of myself by making it here?

One body slammed painfully into a nearby building. It was a dark-haired youth in blue, his arm bent at an unnatural angle. Another man in a mask flew past and skidded a good ten feet along the gravel road. Sounds of more bodies crashing into things and cries of pain were heard before I poked my head out from the alley.

Sakura was struggling to parry a blow from a pale-skinned man with black hair. He feinted and caught her across the face with his arm, sending her crumpling to the ground. Something inside me broke, and I felt like I was shooting up, becoming even bigger and stronger than I already was. A sphere of translucent blue light began to form on my open palm, and I began to shout incoherently at the man.

He looked at me, his eyes red and glinting with malice. The way he walked emotionlessly toward me seemed slimy and slippery.

Fifty feet.

Twenty feet.

Ten feet.

I fired, crouching to compensate for the fact I’d grown nearly three times taller. The serpentine man was propelled by the blast clear across the road, and I was thrown against a twelve-foot solid brick wall, arching my upper back and head painfully against the top. Suddenly drained of strength, I began to shrink down to normal.

No trace of whoever the mysterious stranger was. I ran over to the nearest person (in this case, it was Sakura) and helped her stand up. After a few seconds of regaining her equilibrium, she grudgingly admitted that what I’d just done was rather impressive. We began to help the others, somehow dragging them into an empty building despite our own injuries.

Sakura looked concerned, gingerly feeling the spot where I’d hit the wall as I grunted in pain. “Well, we can’t just leave everyone like this,” she frowned. “We’ll have to head to the temple for sure, now. We have to meet with the elders and warn them.”

“Who was that?” I said through my gritted teeth. My back felt like it was burning.

“We call him Orochimaru,” she told me flatly. “Now, come on, we have to go get help.”

The two of us began limping towards the temple.